No one expects to find out their boyfriend cheated on them, that the months you were certain and he kept telling you that you were crazy, you were only right.
And no one expects to turn on their computer one day, an important day with two online quizzes and 2 half finished papers due, and for nothing, absolutely nothing, to happen to the screen.
And no one expects that one day out of nowhere one of their best friends, only 41, may die in Chicago of sudden cancer. Sudden cancer? How is that a thing?
But it is a thing. This guy who for years was my sidekick in pretty much all of life, my best friend, my platonic boyfriend, my all night phone buddy, my early morning meeting friend, just one day didn’t feel good, found out it was cancer, and upon refusing treatment was dead within hours.
And so today in the shower, trying my fucking hardest to
produce a natural looking hair color scrub out at least some of the neon red streaks so it looks funeral-decent, I had that weird vertigo kind of moment where I ended up on my hands and knees from life-dizziness, just sobbing and sobbing and saying (I suspect out loud) “It’s sudden!” A lot had occurred to me over the past few days as I’d adjusted, but the abruptness of him being not dead/being dead, that was more than I knew what to do with now that for the first time, I’d made that connection.
I mean, death is sudden.
And somehow in the middle of this I struggled to a seated position, And heard his voice in my head clear as day, as clearly as every single fucking annoying time you hear someone say after someones death that they could hear their voices in their head, and thankfully, that voice had nothing sentimental or heartfelt or any answers or growth to offer: That voice I heard in my head did me at least the decency of saying exactly what I knew Robert, buyer of killer bunny slippers and recorder of Mrs. Gorilla and Mrs. Non-Gorilla videos would actually say:
“No one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition”.
And for a little bit, that made me feel better. I was glad for my friend, and I’m glad for Monty Python, and my hair looks like shit, and for whatever reason it struck me as urgent to purge all of that here, now.